Funny how your life can change dramatically in an instant. On Thursday, May 30, 2013, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of my beloved spiritual community, Inner Light Ministries (www.innerlightministries.com), in Santa Cruz, CA, where I volunteered in the office every Thursday. I loved my life -- the Mediterranean climate, walking on the beach whenever I wanted, the small and liberal community with so much to offer culturally, surrounded by natural beauty, nourished and passionately involved at Inner Light. My phone rang, and the caller id announced "UMich. Medical."
I knew my mom had been admitted to the University of Michigan hospital the day before because she had been coughing up some blood for a few days. I had spoken with her and her doctor the previous evening, and they didn't seem unduly alarmed -- they had taken chest x-rays and were waiting for the results. My mom said she "felt fine," and complained only of being bored... because she was legally blind, she couldn't read or entertain herself in the ways she might have otherwise.
The instant I answered the phone and heard it was her doctor, I could tell it was not good news. To his credit, he was extremely compassionate. They had found a "suspicious mass" in her left lung, next to her heart, and from the irregular shape of the tumor were virtually certain that it was a particularly aggressive form of lung cancer. The tumor had already invaded her airway, and that was why she had been coughing up blood.
The doctor's prognosis was dismal -- she likely wouldn't live through the summer, and he was recommending hospice care rather than seeking treatment. Surgery was not an option because of the location of the tumor, and the likelihood that chemo or radiation would extend her life was minimal. In fact, he said, it might actually shorten her life, and the side effects would make whatever time she had left miserable.
I was definitely shocked -- there had been no forewarning that this was coming, and my mom was never a smoker. A year before, at the age of 81, she had bounced back from a hysterectomy and 6 weeks of radiation treatment for endometrial cancer -- and been declared cancer-free. And along with the shock, I felt uncannily accepting and peaceful, not at all depressed. All I wanted in that moment was to be with my mom and dad for whatever was going to unfold.
I went into Inner Light to share the news and let them know I would be leaving town indefinitely... and on Friday, 5/31, I was on an airplane to join my parents, brother and sister-in-law in Ann Arbor. I had also been able to notify my sister and her partner who were traveling.
As I write this, it's just over 10 months later -- Wednesday, April 9, 2014. My mom made her transition on August 20 of last year, and my journey with her through her last few months and the grief process that followed have been the most intense and challenging psycho-emotional-spiritual experiences of my life to this point. And now that I have enough distance to be off the immediate emotional roller coaster, I also see them as profoundly deepening, transformational, and uplifting experiences for which I am eternally grateful. I know my life has been changed forever.
I have chosen to stay here in Ann Arbor to support my dad, and because Ann Arbor is a vibrant and exciting community to be part of. I've survived the most brutal winter Michigan (and much of the country) has seen in decades -- quite an accomplishment for this Northern California girl who thinks 50 degrees is starting to get pretty cold! So at the age of 61, I am now in the process of re-creating my life exactly as I want it -- what an extraordinary opportunity and privilege!
Please share your own stories, comments, responses below. What resonates with you, and where is your experience or belief different?
What a powerfully charged year, filled with many great transitions and shifts for you.
ReplyDeleteBoth of my parents are gone, for almost ten years now. I was with each of them during their transitioning hospice phases, having left California and going to Pennsylvania for extended periods of time in each of their passings. Caring for them as they were dying has been some of the most challenging emotional endeavors I have ever been faced with, bar none. There is a realization that comes where, at least for me, suddenly I "got" that I couldn't go to my parents for their unconditional support and kindness and love. That was a great loss, and it took time for it to occur. Grief is a funny beast - it comes at the oddest of times, out of left field. Like the remembrance of a cherished family joke, or the sight of my Mother's favorite rose, or like today when I was at the flea market and thought "Dad would really like that" when looking at some old tools. The key has been to celebrate those moments and perceive them as a special visit from them, to smile and touch my heart.
I can relate to the uprooting and re-rooting in a new town and the excitement that comes with establishing a new layer of being.
Wishing you blessings on your transformational journey. These are very special times in your life.
Thanks Linda... you're the best!!!
ReplyDeleteYour story is really a "devotion" one. But not the one where you may feel to do something because "it must be done"! Devotion is a beautiful word for me. It comes from Latin "devotio" and it means "to vow". It has a connection with something deep inside of us that is not an emotion, not a thought but just a connection with Spiritual Love Energy. The Energy we can tune in when we open our heart. Opening one's own heart is not a simple thing...and sometime we can take a life long to accomplish that. Each one of us has his/her own Karma.
ReplyDeleteWhen as you said a person hears a "call" this is really a magic moment! It doesn't mean that God/Goddess is calling you but it means that your heart has been opened and is receiving the natural flow of Love Energy always existing in the Universe. When someone has to face to death issue, especially parents and beloved ones, this is a real good opportunity to allow ourselves to shift to another energetic dimension of awareness. These experiences are such a blessing and a loving gift we can offer to our Soul to grow. Sometime passing through the grief and mourning is such a painful and excruciating journey. But if we stay open heart, connected with the Love Source of Energy, it can be a sweet embrace and a key to open a new door into our human consciousness.
I remember when my grandma was very sick for 3 terrible years after multiple strokes. One day I went to visit her. She was open eyes, still conscious, but no words she could speak, no movements she could perform. I gently talk to her in her ear, inviting her to go and to release her suffering, that we could have been ok, and she had nothing to worry about us. A voice was speaking through me. I still remember that. I was calm and peaceful. I kissed my grandma and I left. Few days later she passed with no more pain.
I thank you Nancy for this space of sharing and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to tell you a little part of my story! Namastè!
And what a beautiful story it is, Claudia... thank you so much for sharing it. I love your description of devotion -- it's a beautiful word for me, too.
ReplyDeleteYou remind me that my mom's best friend, Dorothy, called on the phone every day of Mom's last week, to tell her how much she loved her and provide reassurance that it was ok to let go, that she was going to a beautiful place. I'd hold the phone to Mom's ear -- she was well beyond being able to do that herself or to respond verbally, but a peaceful glow would come over her face. I never had any doubt that she knew who it was and that she was comforted.