Starting "The Adventure"

Late afternoon on Friday, May 31, 2013, I arrived at Glacier Hills (a continuum-of-care retirement community in Ann Arbor where my parents live). My mom was in an ambulance on her way home from the hospital. The night before, she had made the decision to take the doctor’s recommendation and not seek treatment, so there was nothing more the hospital could do for her. My brother, Ken, had been there to support her, and called me to share the news. Her hospice intake had already been scheduled for the following Tuesday.

My memory of that first evening with her is foggy, although I do remember that we discussed how to share the news with my dad. Because he has moderate dementia, he had not been to the hospital to see my mom. She had been very clear that she wanted to be the one to tell him about her decision to start hospice, so we had let him know she had lung cancer, but not shared the prognosis with him. We agreed that she would have a conversation with him the next afternoon, and Ken and I would be available as back-up support if they needed it.

I was anxious about how my dad would react. They had been married almost 63 years, and had largely followed the traditional marriage roles common for their generation. But my dad had become increasingly emotionally dependent on my mom as his memory and cognitive function declined. They had a sweet ritual after dinner each evening – they would snuggle on the loveseat while they watched the PBS Evening News. He would whisper “sweet nothings” in her ear: “I’m so glad I married you, Joanie,” or “I love you more now than ever before.” I was afraid he might be devastated by the news.

But the conversation between them went fairly smoothly, and he responded with his typical stoicism: “We all have to die sometime.” I was temporarily relieved – and recognized immediately that it was not over.  My dad likely wouldn’t remember much of the conversation, so I knew I would be in the position of telling him repeatedly that his beloved wife of almost 63 years was preparing to die. I was also clear that that was part of what I’d signed up for – and wanted to be available for. Their snuggling ritual each evening became all the more poignant and moving to see.

Later that evening, my mom and I were sitting alone in her room chatting. At a lull in the conversation, she looked over at me and said,

“I’ve been thinking about the adventure I have ahead of me and wondering what it’ll be like.”

Being slow to catch on for a moment, I suggested that we could start making a list of questions for the doctor. She smiled and with a twinkle in her eye replied,

“Oh, so you think I should ask the doctor what heaven will be like? ... I don’t think so.”

So two days after the shock of learning she had a terminal illness, two days after deciding not to seek treatment but to enter hospice care, she was thinking of herself as starting a spiritual adventure! My heart melted and expanded as I saw an aspect of this woman I had not seen so clearly before… what an extraordinary demonstration of spiritual depth and courage!

And she sustained that attitude through the rest of her life — living to her fullest capacity; demonstrating extraordinary courage, curiosity, and faith; clearly at peace with her life — and death. I’ll have more to say about our journey together – and certainly there were times of intense pain (physical and emotional) and frustration and helplessness in it. And I want to demonstrate now that this blog is not primarily about grief and loss. It’s about hope and faith and transformation.

I’ve titled it “Simply Fearless Love” because that is the overarching theme and the undergirding foundation of my journey with my mom and my grief process since her “death.” Grief is a remarkable teacher and shaman – this time has brought me to my knees and transformed who I am as a woman. And it’s left me both tasting and hungering to expand the simply fearless love I am as a spiritual being having a human experience.

Here are some questions to stimulate comments... and of course, whatever you want to say is welcome:

• What does "simply fearless love" mean to you?
• How do you experience it in your life?
• Who are your role models for spiritual depth and courage?
• What are the ways you exhibit them in your life?